Time is such a strange concept. Some days we wish it would pass by quickly,some days we wish it would slow down, and some days we wish for nothing more than the ability to turn it back or to move it forward.
This week has been one of those weeks where my mind is stuck in the past and I keep wanting to turn back the time. My thoughts were provoked by my Communications professor who was talking about old loves in class this week.(Disclaimer: I blame my communications teacher for beginning this whole thought process. Also, the guy that happened to look exactly like my ex-boyfriend who sat at the table next to mine at dinner on Saturday. Unfortunately, I cannot blame them for my mind continuing on in these thoughts.)
You see, I happen to have one of these old loves. I think about him from time to time(Usually when I see something or someone that reminds me of him). When I have these thoughts, I often wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he likes his job, how his school is going, and how his family is. I wonder if he is happy and if he ever thinks of me. I think about the time that we shared together and the fond memories that we had. I don't think of him very often, but when I do I always feel a strange tug at my heart and a yearning to relive those memories I have with him.
Sometimes when I think about him I wonder if he was the right person and that we just met at the wrong time. What if we had met now, in the present, in our current situations? What if we hadn't met when I was 17 and naive and while he was enduring some serious personal trials? What if our whole past could be erased and we could just start over fresh? What if?
And then it hit me...
Stop asking all the "What if?" questions. No one has the ability to go back in time and change the past or even control the future. I need to stop being like Lot's wife, looking back longingly. I need to look to the future with an eye of faith in knowing that the best is yet to come. I loved my boyfriend at the time, and will always love him to some extent, but I need to live in the present and look forward to all of the love I can give and receive now and in the future.
President Monson said it best when he said, "The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it."
So that is exactly what I will do.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Under the weather
Lately, I haven't been feeling well. I've been getting crazy headaches, all of my bones were achy, and I was incredibly tired all the time. I figured it was just because I have been stressed lately about quitting my job, going back to school, paying for school, working full time, my new calling, etc... I was just waiting for it to pass and hoped that my vacation to Vegas would help a bit. When I got back home I started getting some other symptoms.
It started out as a simple stuffy nose, which I assumed was from my bad allergies during spring time. No big deal, right? Then last week I discovered a couple bumps on my neck. My step mom (who has worked in health care for years) told me that they were just swollen glads and to keep an eye on them for about a week. On Monday night after work I went to dinner with my brother, Graham, and our friend Trevor. When I returned home I felt my neck to see if I had any more swollen glands, and what did I find? My lymph node on the right side of my neck was swollen to the size of a golf ball. And it HURT. I showed Patty who recommended I take an allergy pill and see if it helped. When I woke up the next morning I felt even worse, so I ruled out allergies.
At work my friend Cassi told me that she had something similar a couple weeks ago. She said that the only difference was that she had white bumps on the back of her throat. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I immediately ran to the bathroom to check my throat. Sure enough, there they were. Nasty little things.
I went to the doctor who did a rapid strep test (came back negative) and removed the "white spots" aka built up food particles in my swollen tonsil. He also was very concerned by the size of my swollen glad and sent me to a blood lab to get some tests.
I am being tested for Strep, Mono, and Epstein Bar. Unfortunately, I won't know what I have or if I am contagious until next week. So for now, I will continue to be miserable. Hopefully, I'll get a letter from the always lovely Tanner B. this week to make me feel better. He always knows how to cheer me up, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
It started out as a simple stuffy nose, which I assumed was from my bad allergies during spring time. No big deal, right? Then last week I discovered a couple bumps on my neck. My step mom (who has worked in health care for years) told me that they were just swollen glads and to keep an eye on them for about a week. On Monday night after work I went to dinner with my brother, Graham, and our friend Trevor. When I returned home I felt my neck to see if I had any more swollen glands, and what did I find? My lymph node on the right side of my neck was swollen to the size of a golf ball. And it HURT. I showed Patty who recommended I take an allergy pill and see if it helped. When I woke up the next morning I felt even worse, so I ruled out allergies.
At work my friend Cassi told me that she had something similar a couple weeks ago. She said that the only difference was that she had white bumps on the back of her throat. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I immediately ran to the bathroom to check my throat. Sure enough, there they were. Nasty little things.
I went to the doctor who did a rapid strep test (came back negative) and removed the "white spots" aka built up food particles in my swollen tonsil. He also was very concerned by the size of my swollen glad and sent me to a blood lab to get some tests.
I am being tested for Strep, Mono, and Epstein Bar. Unfortunately, I won't know what I have or if I am contagious until next week. So for now, I will continue to be miserable. Hopefully, I'll get a letter from the always lovely Tanner B. this week to make me feel better. He always knows how to cheer me up, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
My thoughts on love and 80s movies...
"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boom box outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
No, John Hughes did not, in fact, direct my life. I wasn't even born when most of these movies came out. However, when I look back at my dating life I realized that I have had these same thoughts/feelings before. At one point I thought I had found my very own Patrick Dempsey-sans the perfect hair. He was perfect in my eyes, charming and loved me. It was all sunshine and butterflies until one day it wasn't. At first I was heartbroken, but now I look back and think about how grateful I am for that experience. It may not have been perfect or have ended like an 80s movie, but it was wonderful while it lasted.
As I have grown from the experience of my "first love", I have learned that love is not supposed to be the way that the movies portray it. I have realized that there is not one perfect man out there in the world for me, but that there are many worthy contenders out there. Sure they might not hold a boom box outside my window, or wait outside of my sister's wedding leaning against a sexy red car for me, and he might not even fist pump for me. But in the grand scheme of things, none of that truly matters. As long as we find a worthy man (in every sense of the word) who loves me and only wants what is best for me, what else matters? Certainly not the car, or the perfect hair or the fist pump. Those are all just minute details that should be left to the movies.
No, John Hughes did not, in fact, direct my life. I wasn't even born when most of these movies came out. However, when I look back at my dating life I realized that I have had these same thoughts/feelings before. At one point I thought I had found my very own Patrick Dempsey-sans the perfect hair. He was perfect in my eyes, charming and loved me. It was all sunshine and butterflies until one day it wasn't. At first I was heartbroken, but now I look back and think about how grateful I am for that experience. It may not have been perfect or have ended like an 80s movie, but it was wonderful while it lasted.
As I have grown from the experience of my "first love", I have learned that love is not supposed to be the way that the movies portray it. I have realized that there is not one perfect man out there in the world for me, but that there are many worthy contenders out there. Sure they might not hold a boom box outside my window, or wait outside of my sister's wedding leaning against a sexy red car for me, and he might not even fist pump for me. But in the grand scheme of things, none of that truly matters. As long as we find a worthy man (in every sense of the word) who loves me and only wants what is best for me, what else matters? Certainly not the car, or the perfect hair or the fist pump. Those are all just minute details that should be left to the movies.
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