The "F" Word

Quote (A wonderful thought that my grandma had awhile back and was gracious enough to share with me.)- "Men and women can never be merely friends. Someone's feelings are always greater than the others, and someone is always going to be let down or hurt."
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The "Friend Zone" is a place I have come to know well. Through my dating experiences, I have been put there on so many occasions that I have even begun to decorate the place. (Ha, just kidding, but I'm getting close.) It wasn't until this last year that I really experienced what it felt like to be the one to put another person in that dreadful place. I have come to understand how it feels on both ends of the spectrum. Here are a couple of my experiences that have taught me just how hard it is to be the one using the "F" word...

(Names have been changed...Just in case these boys decide to read my blog. You just never know!)

#1. Billy-
Billy and I were set up on a blind date by some family members. He picked me up and had some good plans about what we should do that evening. However, none of them seemed to pan out as planned. We also didn't have much to talk about or much in common. He seemed to be trying really hard and I really appreciated that. But, again, we really had nothing to talk about and were really forcing the conversation. I knew about an hour into our date that I couldn't see us going anywhere in the future. I actually found myself thinking about my best guy friend the entire time and how much I missed our easy conversation and the way he made me laugh, but that is another story. As we were waiting for our movie to start (the last event of the evening), he pulled out his cell phone and proceeded to check his Facebook for the next 10 minutes or so. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Facebook as much as the next person, but NOT on a date! That move alone confirmed to me that it wasn't going to work out.
At the end of the date, Billy walked me to my door. I gave him a hug and thanked him for the evening. He proceeded to text me the entire rest of the night and the whole next day. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea or make him think that we had a future, so I told him how I felt. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Telling someone that is interested in you that you do not feel the same is worse than breaking up with someone, in my opinion. I haven't talked to Billy since, but I hope he finds a great girl someday, because he really is a nice guy.

#2- Joshua
Joshua and I met through some mutual friends. We became close friends over the last year and I really enjoy talking to him. I tell him nearly everything, and he tells me as much as he feels comfortable with (he's very reserved). I'll admit, I've known that he's had a crush on me from the beginning of our friendship, but I really enjoy having him as a friend so I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until recently that I realized (because I was told) that my actions were sending a very different message than I had anticipated, and he was receiving the wrong message. I felt that I needed to tell Joshua how I really felt to make sure that he knew that we were just friends. I'll admit, I hated every second of our conversation and nearly every one since. I know that I hurt him and that was the very last thing I wanted. I can already tell that things are never going to be the same, and it hurts me as much, if not more, than it is hurting him.

Inflicting pain on another person is not something that I find enjoyable. I hate putting men in the "Friend Zone" because I know how it feels to be put there. It's the freaking worst. Hence, the title The "F" Word. So, here's some food for thought...The next time you put someone in the "Friend Zone" remember what it feels like to be put there. Let that person down as easy as possible. I know that it's hard for you (trust me, I KNOW), but just think of how much harder it is for them...

Sue me...

Things that have been on my mind that I would like to share:

1. I am so incredibly exhausted by the amount of older people saying to me "You are so young! You have so much time to live your life and have so many experiences before you settle down and get married. You can travel and have fun" blah, blah, blah... Yes, I am young and have plenty of time. However, this does not stop me from wanting to be married. Nor does it stop me from being a little bit sad/bitter when everyone around me is getting married or having children. Also, have you ever thought that maybe I want to travel and have fun with someone by my side? I would certainly rather go on a trip to Europe with someone than alone. So please, I know you mean well by saying these things, but stop saying them to me. Tell them to another girl who doesn't want to get married until later in life. As for me, I'm sick of it.

2. School. I am sick of my classes and just feeling really unmotivated. Thankfully, there are only two more weeks left in the semester. Hallelujah!

3. pinterest.com. Seriously! Best website ever invented. Trust me.

4.I have a tendency to talk to my ex-boyfriends a little more than I should. Yes, I am aware that I shouldn't talk to them or invite them to hang out, but I do it anyway. And yes, I know that this goes against all of the advice any parent, sibling, best friend, young women's leader, etc has ever told be. So sue me. I'm only human.

5. I really want a boyfriend. I want someone to hang out with, go out with, laugh with, cry with, cuddle with, go to social functions/gatherings with. I want someone to find out that I get tan in the summer and freakishly white in the winter. I just want a man who will be my best friend. Is that too much to ask? I swear that there is at least one guy in the Salt Lake Valley who could be this person. Right?

6. I am in love with this quote (that I found on pinterest):

"As you grow up, you will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures. Laugh too much and learn to love like you've never been hurt. Because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

Love Always,
Steph

*I know that this post is super jumbled, but hey! I'm a single, 20 year-old girl with a busy schedule and tons of angst towards dating. What better way to unload than in a blog post?!

L-O-V-E

I know that it always seems like all I post about is love, and it's true. What else is a single, 20 year-old, living in Utah supposed to think about?! So here are my most recent thoughts about love that came to me with help from this clip and my sister, Erin.

Watch this video! It contains some great nuggets of information about break-ups. WARNING: There is a swear word in this video. It starts with the letter "F". :/

http://youtu.be/pnnHO6mgr7U

1. We fall in and out of love for a purpose. Whether that purpose is to help someone in the future who might go through the same thing or simply to learn an important life lesson for ourselves, we must figure out the purpose and apply it accordingly.

2. Heartbreak sucks. Big time. Just remember: IT ENDS (EVENTUALLY). Even though it might seem like you will never love again or you will never be happy again, you will. Trust me. Been there, done that. I've had those feelings, ate way more fried food than anyone ever should, cried nearly 24 hours a day, never left my bed unless absolutely necessary, and wore sweats and no make-up for almost 2 whole months in high school. But guess what? It ended. I met another guy who made me feel beautiful and special. He wasn't the "love of my life" but I did love him for helping me through. And that was that.

Now I'm not saying that I never looked back, that I'm happy all the time now, and that I hate the guy that broke my heart. Truth is, I have looked back. I still miss him from time to time. I think it's okay do that sometimes. Just don't get caught up in the past. There is a bright future ahead of us, we just need to keep our heads up and keep pushing through.

Remember: "The wrong one is the right one to lead you to the *BEST* one."

I was think today about how I never post about what is going on in my life on my blog. I always post about my thoughts/feelings on certain subjects, but never really talk about ME. So I thought I would catch you all up on my life!

-I'm currently attending SLCC (Salt Lake Community College). I'm finishing up my Associate Degree right now, and will *hopefully* get into the Ultrasound Technology program as soon as I am done. (Feel free to send happy thoughts/prayers my way so that I can get in!)

-I am the 2nd Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency in my singles ward and I love it! I am in charge of planning the monthly activities, which is totally up my alley. This month we're having a Spa Night. Hair, nails, facials, and massages. What more could I possibly want on a Friday night?! It will be GREAT!

-I am single and happy being single. Although... I wouldn't mind it if I had a boy around. I've gotten to the point in my life where I am content enough with myself that I can be single and be happy for all of those people who have a significant other without looking at them longingly, wishing I had what they had. I'll admit, I don't like being single, but I can deal with it until a nice guy comes along. Patience is a virtue, right?

-I have one sister (Hillary) getting married in September and the other (Erin) is getting her mission call this week. I am incredibly thrilled for both of them!

-I still have mono and am still feeling really tired most of the time.

-My friend Lindsey is coming to visit me this weekend!! She was my roommate at BYU-I and I am psyched to see her. We plan on recording at least 3 songs to upload to youtube. Look for the links sometime next week!

-I found out today that 4 more of my friends are pregnant! Add the 2 that I already knew about and that makes...6. 4 of those 6 are my age exactly, and all but one of them went to my high school. I'm pretty sure that AZ is beating UT in the whole "get married young and start popping out babies" mindset of the Church.


-I'm throwing my sister a bridal shower.

-I nanny two little boys twice a week to help supplement my savings.

-My friend Adam is coming to visit me in July. And by visit "me" I mean that he is coming to visit his sister, but will come hang out with me on occasion which is good enough for me! :)

Other than these things my life consists of: hanging out with friends and family, spending time outside (when it's not raining), homework, and just loving life!

P.S. I'm going to also try to blog more often. Maybe then I can get some more readers? Ha!

Happy Father's Day!

*Yes, it did pour rain during my graduation in AZ. And yes, I did look MUCH better before the rain.*

Tonight we took my dad out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day. While we were there my step-mom said that she wanted all of us kids (that were present, two weren't with us) to share our favorite memory of our dad growing up.

Uh oh. A lump of gigantic proportions started to form in my throat.

You see, I grew up nearly 700 miles away from my dad. We rarely spoke and when we did, I remember it being very difficult for me. What do you tell someone who you only see once a year and who you didn't know very well? I wanted so desperately to be close to him and to tell him all about my life, but I never could quite find the words. Maybe it was because I was nervous as to how he would react, but it was more than likely because I knew very little about him. What I did know was what my mother had told me, so it was very one sided (especially since they had gone through such a nasty divorce).

I always had a hard time growing up when everyone would talk about their dads and how great they were. They would all go to the "Daddy-Daughter" camp-outs and come back and rave about the amazing time they had with their dads. Talk about feeling like an outsider. I never once got to experience that and it broke my heart.

The older I got the closer I became with my dad. We started talking more often and I started opening up a lot more than I ever had. I realized that there were two sides to every story and that the person that I was told that he was, was the furthest from the truth it could have been.

When I was 18 and had graduated from high school I had a major falling out with my mom. I decided that I needed to get away. To start my life over. To turn a new leaf. However you want to put it, I needed it. So for the first time in my life I did what was best for me. I completely forgot about pleasing everyone else, and was determined to change my life and make myself happy.

I moved to Utah to live with my dad when I wasn't at school. Hands down, it is the BEST decision I have ever made. I love my dad more than almost anyone else in the world. He is knowledgeable in so many subjects, he can do or fix anything, he is full of love for me and the rest of my family, he will drop whatever he is doing to help anyone no matter what, he makes me laugh harder than anyone in the world, he is always willing to teach me about anything (football rules, how to cut crown molding, how the opposite-sex think, etc.). He is kind and compassionate and a wonderful example of the teachings of Christ.

So, yes. I don't have very many memories of my dad from when I was young. Yes, I will always be envious of my brothers and sister for getting to grow up with him and to get to spend everyday with him. To learn from him and to develop an incredible bond with him. However, I am grateful for every single moment that we have spent together in the last 2 years. For everything he has taught me, and for the woman he has helped me become. We have a lot of lost time to make up for, and I look forward to all of the years that we have ahead of us. For all the laughs and sincere moments that I will always hold in my heart.

I love you, Dad. Thanks for being you and for loving me.

If I could turn back time...

Time is such a strange concept. Some days we wish it would pass by quickly,some days we wish it would slow down, and some days we wish for nothing more than the ability to turn it back or to move it forward.

This week has been one of those weeks where my mind is stuck in the past and I keep wanting to turn back the time. My thoughts were provoked by my Communications professor who was talking about old loves in class this week.(Disclaimer: I blame my communications teacher for beginning this whole thought process. Also, the guy that happened to look exactly like my ex-boyfriend who sat at the table next to mine at dinner on Saturday. Unfortunately, I cannot blame them for my mind continuing on in these thoughts.)

You see, I happen to have one of these old loves. I think about him from time to time(Usually when I see something or someone that reminds me of him). When I have these thoughts, I often wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he likes his job, how his school is going, and how his family is. I wonder if he is happy and if he ever thinks of me. I think about the time that we shared together and the fond memories that we had. I don't think of him very often, but when I do I always feel a strange tug at my heart and a yearning to relive those memories I have with him.

Sometimes when I think about him I wonder if he was the right person and that we just met at the wrong time. What if we had met now, in the present, in our current situations? What if we hadn't met when I was 17 and naive and while he was enduring some serious personal trials? What if our whole past could be erased and we could just start over fresh? What if?

And then it hit me...

Stop asking all the "What if?" questions. No one has the ability to go back in time and change the past or even control the future. I need to stop being like Lot's wife, looking back longingly. I need to look to the future with an eye of faith in knowing that the best is yet to come. I loved my boyfriend at the time, and will always love him to some extent, but I need to live in the present and look forward to all of the love I can give and receive now and in the future.

President Monson said it best when he said, "The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it."

So that is exactly what I will do.

Under the weather

Lately, I haven't been feeling well. I've been getting crazy headaches, all of my bones were achy, and I was incredibly tired all the time. I figured it was just because I have been stressed lately about quitting my job, going back to school, paying for school, working full time, my new calling, etc... I was just waiting for it to pass and hoped that my vacation to Vegas would help a bit. When I got back home I started getting some other symptoms.

It started out as a simple stuffy nose, which I assumed was from my bad allergies during spring time. No big deal, right? Then last week I discovered a couple bumps on my neck. My step mom (who has worked in health care for years) told me that they were just swollen glads and to keep an eye on them for about a week. On Monday night after work I went to dinner with my brother, Graham, and our friend Trevor. When I returned home I felt my neck to see if I had any more swollen glands, and what did I find? My lymph node on the right side of my neck was swollen to the size of a golf ball. And it HURT. I showed Patty who recommended I take an allergy pill and see if it helped. When I woke up the next morning I felt even worse, so I ruled out allergies.

At work my friend Cassi told me that she had something similar a couple weeks ago. She said that the only difference was that she had white bumps on the back of her throat. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I immediately ran to the bathroom to check my throat. Sure enough, there they were. Nasty little things.

I went to the doctor who did a rapid strep test (came back negative) and removed the "white spots" aka built up food particles in my swollen tonsil. He also was very concerned by the size of my swollen glad and sent me to a blood lab to get some tests.

I am being tested for Strep, Mono, and Epstein Bar. Unfortunately, I won't know what I have or if I am contagious until next week. So for now, I will continue to be miserable. Hopefully, I'll get a letter from the always lovely Tanner B. this week to make me feel better. He always knows how to cheer me up, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)